Hard Rock Ambassadors Of Rock Battle Of The Bands 2010

Wednesday night was another Battle of the Bands at the Hard Rock Café in Toronto, where four bands were given 20 minutes to win over the audience and the judges in order to continue on to the next Battle on April 28th, to decide what band should represent Toronto (or all of Canada?) in London at the same festival as Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Pearl Jam, Ben Harper & Relentless7, The Hives and The Gaslight Anthem! Holy shit.

First up was Monday Rose (www.myspace.com/mondayrosemusic), and within seconds of them hitting the stage with their Anthony Kiedis wannabe singer it was quite obvious (to me anyway) that they were NOT worthy of the prize. One could hardly even focus on the boring hard rock music they were playing because the show-offy singer was painfully hard to avoid watching. His over-practiced, cheesy stage gimmicks were almost sickening to witness, and it was brutally obvious how much practice went into his planned removal of his quite unnecessary sunglasses in order to look .. cool? smooth? This seemed to be the case with every move he made on stage, and it just looked like a sad attempt at an alternative Glee club tryout. Not only that, but they even threw in a total dick sucking move to display their “talent” with a series of solo’s… but after the second song? Way to misuse at 20 minute set. To top of their theme of ‘trying too hard’ they popped a thing of confetti shit out towards the non-existent audience at the very end. Fail.

Next up were MicLordz & Sauce Funky, (www.myspace.com/miclordzmusic) and -despite the very similar Anthony Kiedis inspired singer, who when standing next to the first front man could have passed for his older brother,- they proved within seconds that they were legit, with energy and presence that wasn't so much practiced or rehearsed as much as it was natural to them, and it showed. It was some funky sauce all right, and by funky I don't mean rank smelling semen. I'm getting pretty tired of praising them after like 3 reviews but I really don't have much to rip them for, they even make spitting water into the air look kind of cool and at least makes it work for their favour on stage. The bassist did sort of remind me of that drummer with the big hair and colour coordination from The Johnstones though… heh heh heh. Anyway, this time around the similarities to the Flobots dawned on me while enjoying their funky bluesy hip hop rock n roll or whatever and I decided that seeing them is sort of like pleasuring yourself with the most massive black dildo.

I failed to remain on the scene when Crush Luther (www.myspace.com/crushluther) played, instead I was not smoking outside with everybody else who smoked. I'm not sure what would have been worse, wanting nothing more than to smoke but not being able to (damn quitting) or watching Crush Luther perform their latest album… I used to really enjoy them but MAN, that new shit is BORING. Wake up John Mayer, what happened to the "Cool" days? Yeesh.
Regardless, at this point they were definitely Miclordz biggest threat.

Last up was A/ Collision (www.myspace.com/acollision) and first of all I have to say, if you're going to colour coordinate your outfits on stage, PLEASE make sure all members remember and participate, or at least have a good theme going.. but it just looks ridiculous and tacky when 2 out of 3 guitarists (including bassist) are wearing a red strap over a black shirt and jeans, and the other asshole is trying to half ass it with a black strap and red guitar? I don't think that counts dude… Read the memo next time eh! Aside from that they were all pretty alright, no complaints, but the singer… *shudders* I believe somebody made an Eddie Vedder joke as soon as he started singing, and joke it was. He made me very uncomfortable as I watched him but like a train wreck I couldn't turn away, and it eventually became repulsive. I think his movements would have been easier to tolerate if they were shielded from our view at least slightly with a mic stand, set in one place. He made it really hard to look past him to just hear the music, which ended up being 90's style hard rock, with absolutely nothing to make them stand out… come on guys, the 90's were done for an ENTIRE DECADE… you're going to have to do a little better than that if you want to make that sound work. I'm not even going to touch on the weird shit they started pulling with the vocals and the ... randomness ... near the end, because it was just plain stupid.

And the winner was...
MicLordz & Sauce Funky!!!

Are you really surprised after that review? Ha.

I'm Sarah. I do what I want.