XCHRISTXCOREX XPARTXTWOX by not me!

SO when I attempted to review CHRISTcore I stopped watching it not even half way in because a) I was bored to bits, b) I could not fucking care any less about what these Christian kids are doing at their dumb shows and I don't feel the need to watch a documentary to understand it, c) I'm sick of the whole GOD issue buggin' everybody out.. I was never raised to believe in god, aside from a short stint in Sunday School because my parents wanted to at least let us be open to that shit, but one day I was blowing bubbles in my chocolate milk and accidentally got it all over myself, the floor, and the kid sitting in front of me and got in huge trouble for it... needless to say we never went back and I still love chocolate milk and hate churches. And d) I was really tired of listening to the shitty music the bands featured on it were playing, all I wanted to do was review how bad they were because hey, I review music not documentaries. Listening to that crap and watching kids floor punch actually pains me. But, my non-review review did bring up the whole GOD + PUNK debate and although I'm pretty 'whatever' on the issue (as in whatever other people choose to do is their business, as long as I don't have to fucking go to one of those terrible shows I don't fucking care... *cough*something a certain type of these bible huggers should realize #LGBTPRIDE *uncough*) I really wanted to hear what somebody who is passionate about the issue had to say. The dude who made the documentary has actively been against god in the punk scene, and I felt it would be cool to get somebody with a similar perspective to watch the FULL documentary and review it for real. I knew my old Cobourg pal Kyle would be the best person to do it, so here's what he had to say:

Jesus' middle initial does not stand for hardcore. RAMBO said that and Justin Ludwig has affirmed that with his documentary ChristCORE. A look into the lives and travels of two Christian hardcore bands, Messengers and Sleeping Giant, this documentary is an atheist’s attempt to understand how Christians can fuse a genre of music that has been overtly anti-Christian since it’s beginnings into a vessel for them to preach. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be for me after Sarah told me how far she got but I thought I’d stick it out to see if I could make heads or tails of their perversion of punk and hardcore. The movie starts off with Sleeping Giants ranting about the persecuted church, which confused me because when I think of Christianity it is usually them persecuting marginalized people. Maybe the fact that abortion is legal and homosexuality is becoming more widely accepted is persecution, in which case fuck them. From there we learn about the director and how he grew up Catholic and as he discovered punk music in his teens he turned away from god, which is something I could connect with growing up in a house full of Catholics myself. Another person that punk has saved from the clutches of conformity and submission, so far I’m into it. From there we meet Messengers, a Christian hardcore band in the vein of all those other generic hardcore bands, from Plano Texas. We are introduced to the singer Chad who giggles about how they were mostly homeschooled and how their drummer’s dad finds the music demonic and all that stupid ignorant shit. As we meet the band they really do have the na├»ve, almost endearing behaviors, of the Christian homeschooled kids my mom’s friend’s all had; which is kind of sad because they’re a bunch of teenagers who appear more like 8 year olds then 18 year olds, but maybe I’m just old and jaded. Kids with stable homes, loving if not overprotective parents, and comfortable lives seemed weird for me as a punk. It’s not the normal thing you’d expect from a culture that is for misfits, the kids who have no stability, and the people who had no homes to go to. We see a shot of them praying over their van asking god to “keep our engine running sound, to keep our wheels running great,” which isn’t hurting anybody but COME ON. When the guitarist and singer’s brother Chance starts talking about how he was “addicted to coke, e and weed” before he found Jesus I started to get antsy. This type of cringe-worthy stuff made me so uncomfortable I actually considered throwing away my three months of sobriety just to make it stop. I can’t stand people who “find Jesus” when they get sober, to me it just seems like replacing one crutch with another, but once again I am adamantly opposed to patriarchal, sexist, homophobic religions and maybe that has clouded my ability to enjoy someone’s sobriety when they have found god. So basically they start driving from Texas to California on their first mini-tour to play Facedown Fest, they talk about how they don’t think the “worldly economy” will affect Christians because god will take care of them, how Jesus wouldn’t have been in churches he would have been at hardcore shows, other banal shit. They play shows for kids who mosh really poorly, even by hardcore mosh standards, and they finally make it to Pamona to play Facedown Fest. Yay, Jesus is good, the lord has delivered them to play tired hardcore for a bunch of sheltered Christians nerds. One of the funnier scenes happens here where two dudes pray over the director outside Facedown Fest and they are just rambling over one another about god and holy spirits and shit, pretty good for some comic relied when I was about to stick my head in a bucket of scorpions to ease the pain. Also I’m not sure what it is about Christians but they seem to be the sweatiest musicians, either they have glandular problems or they douse themselves in holy water to sprinkle from their hair over the audience, either way PUDDLES… EVERYWHERE. Then we are off to meet Sleeping Giants who we meet in a church where they are about to play some sweet, brutal chords for people of all ages. Seeing middle-aged people writhing about, grooving to this music for the lord, it’s hard not to picture one of those shitty white people dance parties where everyone has done the same shitty coke and nobody has any rhythm. After that they put hands on each other and pray and stuff, and people are smiling and I almost don’t hate them until I remember they likely consider my sexuality an abomination and it’s right back to being disgusted with their sad, mass-delusions of god. Then we find out Sleeping Giants runs some ministry somewhere where they have punk and hardcore kids go to pray and listen to shitty acoustic worship songs. It made me feel alright though cause if I ever run out of things to write songs about I can strum a G chord for a whole song and repeat “God is good” and still have a fan base. Sleeping Giants’ schtick is that they do faith healing for people, which is pretty fucking funny, cause you can’t prove it works or not cause if you don’t feel better it’s just god’s will that you suffer in pain. I can see how it would work, understanding the placebo effect and all, but it’s still hard not to crack up as a bunch of grown men think touching someone’s afflicted area while praying will actually cure a disease or chronic pain. More faith healing, more faith healing, cameraman is hit by a car in Baltimore so more faith healing. Cut back to Messengers getting free Chick-Fil-A cause apparently they have a deal to give touring Christian bands free food, so touring bands who aren’t vegan if you’re ever hungry in the states pretend to be Christian at Chick-Fil-A and get yourself some free noms. (At least I took one thing from this documentary I can share with my friends and strangers, so not a total waste) Oh ya, did I mention Messengers are on their way to Cornerstone to play some music? Well they are, so ya, Cornerstone is fucking hilarious. The last fest I went to was in a field too, but it was full of crusties, many of whom were nude, and dogs with dreads, fleas and nooses for collars, so to see clean cut people all hanging out what looks like a sober version of Woodstock was kind of depressing. At least if they are right and those who don’t “Walk with the lord will go to hell” then I won’t have to spend eternity with these nerds, so that’s a plus. Some baptisms, baptisms, faith healing, baptisms, faith healing, baptisms/faith healings, shitty music, faith healings, that’s basically Cornerstone. So ya, by this point I was ready to cut my ears off and gouge out my eyes but it was over. The director ends with a statement about how Christian hardcore may be a scene built on love and respect but it’s also totally built on an illusion so he isn’t into it. I too did not have a change of heart and I still feel like patriarchal religions that demand that one unquestionably submits to authority has no place in punk or hardcore, but I guess I can just as easily not go to shows with these types of bands on the bill. To conclude, “We don’t mosh in your church, so don’t pray in our pit.”

XChristCOREX : XGODX + XHARDCOREX = XCHRISTXCOREX

Ok. So, ChristCORE is a documentary about Christian hardcore kids who have serious worship sessions at shows and like, these bands basically preach to them through their songs?
To me, it just sounds like an episode of South Park.

I just can't take it seriously at all.
The intro shows all these kids in the audience of some really shitty sounding hardcore band, with their arms raised above their heads all straight edge like. I can honestly say I have never witnessed anything like that, so I'm a bit intrigued by it at first.
The doc is made by this dude named Justin who grew up on bands like AFI, SNFU, and Propagandhi. He had a super strict, shitty religious upbringing, is now an atheist and has played in many actively atheist hardcore bands. That said, it's hard to tell if he's coming from an anthropological curiosity or just wants to make them look shitty. He openly admits to being devastated when he realized that the Christian scene existed in hardcore.
He doesn't come off as a dick when he's talking to the kids either in the bands or going to the shows.. and asks pretty open, honest questions. One kid - who was so short that they had to film from basically the ground in order to make him look like somebody you would want to take seriously, which I laughed really hard at because I'm a shitty person - describes the scene as if it's their church service. Blah blah blah they don't fit in going to old people church, so this is the way they worship.
Shrug?
It makes sense. To each their own, right? Another kid talks about how he's not opposed to gay marriage, and that everybody deserves to make their own decisions in life despite what he believes, and another kid draws attention to his badass scar before saying 'I think it's from a cat!", soooo like, whatever. I'm quickly losing interest in the subject at hand. I usually love watching documentaries about people completely different from me in one way or another.. the world a hundred years ago or like, to be honest anything serial killer related (I'm not a psycho I promise!), but like this is just about fuckin' hardcore kids who believe in God and use music as their outlet for it. The world has so much more fucked up shit happening in it that needs to be drawn attention to, exposed, fixed... I'm not concerned with what these kids do for fun. Not if the message they're sending out isn't hurting anybody.
What I AM concerned about, however, is WHY THEY ARE WORSHIPING / PASSING ALONG THE MESSAGE OF GOD THROUGH SUCH TERRIBLE TERRIBLE MUSIC!!!????!?!?!?!?!
Doesn't God have ears?
What if God was one of us? Just a Ramones fan like one of us? Just a crusty punk who can't afford the bus, trying to make his way home?

Thank you and goodnight.

I'm Sarah. I do what I want.

Farler's Fury at Bovine, not to be confused with Beauvine. Whatever that means?

For the longest time I thought this bands name was Farley's Fury, and I just kept picturing this skit in my head of Chris Farley turning into Fury, the deadly cyboite from Marvel (enemy of Captain Britain; X-Men) and just going bananas, with this album playing in the background as he frantically starts destroying the set of SNL.
ALAS, it's actually Farler's Fury soooo yeah. Nevermind.
FARLER'S Fury played last night for fuckin' free at the Bovine in Toronto, and I've never felt so close to my Irish heritage in that venue as I did drinking cheap ass PBR and watching the bagpipes.
I was expecting a way more obnoxiously Celtic vibe from these guys but they turned out to be just a punk band with 'pipes, which I actually liked a lot more. It sounded a bit like Bad Religion kicked out Greg Gaffin, replaced his political vocal ass with Al Barr, and then recruited Gord Taylor from The Real McKenzies to add bagpipes and give the sound a bit more UMPH.
I liked it.
I really liked watching the pipe-blower... bag-blower... bag-blaster... pipe-puffer... um... sorry lame-d out there, you get the idea, I really liked the way he ripped on the pipe... bag... like he was starring in the latest Fast And The Furious movie.
AMAZEBALLS.
I leave you with a site full of TERRIBLE bagpipe jokes, including this one:
Q: What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

NOW, can we talk about breakfast poutine for a second?
WHY ISN'T THIS A THING!?!?!?!? COME THE FUCK ON TORONTO.
I have a serious craving for a cheesy, bacon-y, gravy-y, egg-y heap of fries that needs some serious satisfying.
Am I going to have to do this myself?


I'm Sarah. I do what I want.


PS. Nothing to do with this review, but if you're looking for something to listen to at work today...and you work on a computer like me:


Fuck yeah, YouTube.

And now I got diarrhea, too drunk to fuck !

I don't actually have diarrhea, and luckily I did not have it the night in question.
I was, however, too drunk.
Too drunk to properly review the show.
Way too drunk.
I really hope my parents aren't reading all these 'too drunk to do my job' reviews...
It was Friday night, and I had to drink off a million body aches from a run in with a car earlier in the day, so, like, totally understandable that I got so wasted, right?
Considering the first band of the night, School Damage, sing songs about wanting to get wasted I think I was doing a good job of getting into the spirit of things.
DON'T JUDGE ME!
Of course I only remember bits and pieces of their set, and I'm really trying hard not to compare it to some sexual odyssey like I normally do because apparently that weirds people out, buuuut it's turning out to be more of a challenge than I expected. Maybe I have a one track mind (and by maybe I mean obviously), but the band is also to blame with their deep punk rock stances, hard as fuck drumming, and just all around boner-bait punk rock.
It's almost as if they're using the sound waves to inject the audience with mass amounts of Viagra that stimulates your entire body via your ears.
Smart guys, reeeeal smart.
Brutal Youth were up next and although I was definitely too drunk to remember anything specific about this set, I do remember how fucking grade AAA beef it was, and how I walked out of the pit at the end covered in beer and loving every drop of it, completely overwhelmed with how awesome they were. I pretty much felt the same way I did when I finally figured out how to beat the Chocolate Island 3 level in Super Mario, flying high with Blue Yoshi and winning three 1-up's in the process. Chocolate Fortress, what up! I totally suck for not being able to say more about the show. Clearly I'm an alcoholic.

I also wish I could remember seeing !Attention! but I honestly have no recollection of them on stage whatsoever.
I'm such a failure!!
If I make it to the Crime In Stereo/Such Gold/!Attention! show coming up at Sneaks I'll totally make it up to you guys with a full set review!

I'm Sarah. I do what I want.

THE VICTIM PARTY / JUNIOR BATTLES / BROADWAY CALLS at Sneaky Dee's

SO I've decided that Tabitha from The Victim Party is my all time favourite female singer. Not just in the punk scene but in every damn scene. Not only is her voice the tits, but her on stage presence is excellent even when she's not singing her parts.
LOVE HER!
The Victim Party opened the show on Monday night at Sneaky Dee's, playing before Junior Battles and Broadway Calls. It doesn't seem to matter where they are in a line up because they kill it so hard every time that it lasts for the entire show, and none of the other bands can ever compete with their set.
Not even close.
They drill happiness into your glory ear holes as if they're Reno from The Driller Killer, and the audience is a bunch of bums, and their music is the drill.
Don't get it? Don't worry.

I was tapping and shaking my leg along to each song so excitedly that my muscles actually started to seize up.
Crazy.
Their new bassist, Matt Woo, fits in with the band so well that you almost don't notice any change at all... until he starts rocking the fuck out and you're like DAMN, that new bassist is A-WOOO-SOME!
Honestly, these guys could have been the only band on the bill that night and I would have left completely satisfied, like a lonely man who has just spent all his money at a brothel.

Junior Battles played next, and maybe because they had to follow The Victim Party, or because I've over-listened to them, orrrr because they didn't play any new material that I noticed but... and I'm actually really sorry to say this because they're wicked cool dudes (if you don't believe me check out an interview I did with them a while back HERE...includes fart talk!) and I've always spoken highly of their music......but I WAS BORED. Again, I feel shitty saying that, but I can't lie. I mean, they played well and had fucking hilarious banter that was entertaining, but the music itself... meh. What I paid more attention to was the number of people wearing FAKE (or barely prescription'd) black rimmed glasses in front of me. As a real glasses wearer I'm insulted by this. And they don't even look cool, by the way.

And then came Broadway Calls, and in typical Sarah fashion I was totally distracted by my stomach for their entire set. Maybe it was because of the TMNT shirt I was wearing but I couldn't get visions of yummy yummy pizza out of my freakin' head! It actually became a war between my ears and my tummy. For about 95% of the set my ears won, or rather Broadway Calls won because they were fucking awesome (although still not nearly as good as The Victim Party!) but I did end up fighting my way out of the venue through the sea of plaid shirts a bit early and biking the shit out of the 3 blocks to Pizzaville. The notes I took during this set were ALL ABOUT FOOD. And how much I wanted it. Way to fuck up the review past self fatty. Fack! Trust me though, I may not have given you any proof whatsoever in this dumb blurb here, but the band killed it.

I'm Sarah. I do what I want.

HOLY SHITSNACKS!!!..... A Pissed Jeans Review.

Well SHIT. I totally forgot I was supposed to review the Pissed Jeans show at Lee's Palace last night and got SO FUCKING PISSED (Jeans) DRUNK.
Mixing Caesars + whiskey + beer + whiskey + vodka + more whiskey is NOT the best ideer.
My head hurts.
I'm actually shocked that I made it to work in one piece today on my bike.
No ticky, no washy?
As drunk as I was/still am, it's impossible to forget just how fucking awesome the show was.
My eardrums felt like they had been pounded in the balls by the Toxic Avenger.
SERIOUSLY.
And by felt I mean they still feel that way.
The band kicked as much figurative ass as Melvin did literally after he was transformed into a mutant super hero.

I know I should stop comparing the show to The Toxic Avenger, but I just can't. I'm sorry.
When you see the band offstage they seem like such normal, non-threatening dudes, but as soon as they get up there with their instruments in hand they morph into this terrifyingly awesome mess of ball-busting crusaders, kicking the living shit (since when does shit live?) out of each and every note they play like it's those health club jerks who made fun of them.
So what if some (most) of the time I was distracted by the huge hole in the crotch of the singers pants and trying to catch a glimpse of his dong (hey, what can I say, I'm a real lady), it didn't take away from the fact that they murdered their set as if it had tried to rape a sexy blind girl and shot her dog.
Although they didn't get as nuts as they did the last time I saw them they still put on a fucking amazing show. And that's not just the liquor talking.

BEST BAND EVER.

I'm Sarah, I do what I want.