PEARS - fuck the fruit, I'm talking about the band.

Holy shit,
PEARS, as in, a band, the band, called PEARS.
I can't even..
I just can't.
Just, holy shit.
I never ever liked pears, but I am making up for that now by fucking loving PEARS.
Who is this wannabe fruit band you ask?
PEARS are pretty much the healthiest thing to happen to punk rock this year, nay, this decade, nay nay, this mother truckin' gen-er-a-TION. (say it just like that please for appropriate emphasis).
When I first listened to their self-proclaimed "first" full-length I did 2 things:
1. shat and came in my pants. all at the same time, so it only counts as 1.
2. pegged them as fucking liars liars pear trees on fires.
Wait'll you hear it, you'll understand why a) I pooped and jizzed in my pants + b) I initially felt deceived, like when you bite into a pear only to find out that it's really an apple with a bubble butt and a long neck.
And everything I said above can be attributed to these three words:
Seriously, this is one of the best darned punk rock albums I've heard in a very, very long time.
When you hear it you'll have as hard of a time believing it's their first as I did.
Oh, and you'll probably poop + cum in your pants, so maybe wear a diaper? Or just take your pants off.
I think they should have actually named their band APPLES - even though it doesn't sound nearly as badass - because apples are more spherical, which suits them because of how rounded their sound is in the punk rock world of influences. I can hear so many of my old, old favourites alive and well in each of their songs. Most notably (though not a PEARS original) is their version of "Judy Is A Punk" that both honours the Ramones and secures them with a sound all their own.
And while I'm renaming things for them, this album should be called Go To The Insane Asylum instead of Go To Prison, because their sound is so schizophrenic, temperamental, erratic, unpredictable... you know, all that crazy good shit.
I think listening to it is giving me turrets, I can't stop screaming profanities because of how good they are.
Listen here:

I give this album a rating of 5 pears standing tall: 

AND lucky for everyone everywhere, they are on tour:

AND AND they play Toronto on September 26th with Brutal Youth, Hounds, Owen Wilson and The New Enemy. EVENT HERE

AND AND AND you can download their song "Sycophant" off MSB's latest compilation RIGHT HERE.

I'm Sarah. I do what I want.